bliumchik | This Is Awesome: Big Brother Generator.

1 - Sasha admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Liza. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Maggie is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Mick later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.

2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Stan creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Alex hits him with a spatula.

3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Uluru out of eggs. After much persuasion by Stan, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.

4 - Training for the Uluru task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Mick, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the eggs. Alex is furious.

5 - Today is the day when the Uluru task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Mick farts and blows Uluru over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Liza cries.

6 - Stan gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.

7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Liza admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a spatula. Sasha says he never wears condoms because they make his neck sore and Stan agrees. Maggie goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Mick sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Stan.

8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Sasha goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Alex and Liza are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Sasha.

9 - Alex and Liza are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Maggie sings them a song - Hit Me Baby One More Time - to make them feel better.

10 - The public vote Liza out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Liza leaves.

11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Liza's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Maggie has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Alex is visibly depressed and is comforted by Stan, who tries to touch her on her thigh.

12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Stan touching Alex's thigh over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.

13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Mick refuses to run because his neck hurts a bit.

14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Mick finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Alex calls Mick a lazy neck.

15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Sasha tells everyone individually that he thinks Alex is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Alex and Stan are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Sasha.

16 - The nominations are announced. Alex can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Stan is equally stunned and turns to Alex for comfort. Mick is distraught and confesses to Maggie that he thinks he is in love with Stan. Maggie says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know

17 - The public vote Stan out of the house. Alex says she is gutted and even gives Stan a clipping of hair from her thigh to prove how much she cares. Mick is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Stan leaves.

18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Alex clipping the hair from her thigh. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.

19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Tzajeckistan in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.

20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Tzajeckistan sounds like but Mick says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Sasha as the one who must complete the task.

21 - Sasha successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Tzajeckistan but also God Save The Queen, Hit Me Baby One More Time and the theme tune to Rove Live. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.

22 - Nominations are due and Sasha tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Mick and Maggie are nominated.

23 - Mick and Maggie take their nominations well and sit down with Sasha and Alex to discuss why they voted for them. Sasha keeps quiet but Alex accuses Mick of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred neck before bursting into tears.

24 - The public vote Maggie out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Maggie leaves.

25 - Sasha becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Sasha's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.

26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of elephant dung using only a spatula. Sasha is unsure but Mick is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.

27 - Completely out of the blue, Mick breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the elephant incident from his childhood. Alex tries to persuade him to stay but Sasha sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Mick decides to leave.

28 - With only two housemates remaining, the elephant dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Alex from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.

29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Sasha asks Alex to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Sasha nominates Alex to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Alex.

30 - When the nomination is announced, Alex graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Sasha is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Sasha takes his £70,000 and runs away to Tzajeckistan. Nobody, including Alex, ever sees him again.

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