Finally, the update: Grafitti and Crabs

[bliumchik]

Click here to sign my Graffiti Wall! (Powered by
PicLibs.com)

This entry is brought to you by CRABSHACK. CRABSHACK has a misleading name in that it is not, in fact, a shack - no corrugated iron at all, although there was jazz music playing. However, it does serve crab. They cook it with some kind of chili powder, which was annoying but mild enough to be ignored.

Now, a warning for prospective crab-eaters. If you want to impress a potential love interest and decide to buy them dinner at a fancy place, like, for example, CRABSHACK - do not under any circumstances order the crab. You will not impress anyone during that meal. It is, in fact, physically impossible to suavely eat crab.

1. The little buggers fight back. Have you ever seen a crab, or even a picture of a crab? Have you seen those spikes? Yeah, that's where your face goes. Further sharp edges happen when you crack the shell. You can't use a knife for that, either - and whatever vengeful satisfaction can be derived from crushing their little legs between your teeth is more than balanced out by the sharp stabbity pain in your lower lip. And your gums. And your cheek. And your eyebrows.

2. Goo. That's right, crab contains goo. It also contains delicious meat, but before you get to that you will undoubtedly get goo all over your fingers, your elbows, your face, and your fancy clothes, too - if you decline to wear the politely offered bib. Crabs are very, very runny. Each patron gets a little bowl of lemon scented water (in my case with a lemon floating in it) to "wash your fingers in" - this mistakenly leads you to believe that you will only get your fingers dirty. You are wrong. It is simply that it would inconvenience the restaurant to place lemon-scented bathtubs on the table.

3. Inaccessible crannies. Yeah, God and/or evolution did a real good job of making those little morsels of soft white crustacean goodness damn hard to get to, in the hope that a predator will become too exasperated with the effort required to eat them, and never catch a crab again. Apart from the hard shell (and the spikes - have I mentioned the spikes? I think my mouth is bleeding) each crab contains no less than thirty two jointed bits, each of which has to be cracked open anew with the little nut-cracker style utensil thoughtfully provided by the friendly staff. No prawn-like joined-together-ness for Mother Natures Caltrops, oh no - the battle must be fought anew for every mouthful. Complete with extra goo!

4. Mess. All those partitions and bits of shell have to go somewhere, right? And if you want to put anything other than crab on your plate, you don't want it to become a crabby graveyard. The ever-foresighted staff will provide a small basket for you to deposit the mangled remains of your crustacean. Several small baskets, if they are required. Trust me - Johnny Depp could not look suave immediately upon placing his elbow into a basket full of smashed crab-shell and goo. No, it does not go better with lemon.

I suspect that regular consumers of crabby wonderment derive some sort of masochistic pleasure from the difficulties of eating crab. It's probably part of the CRABSHACK experience, just like the paper tablecloth and the thoughtfully provided crayons. Also, it's probably quite difficult to gain weight eating crab. You know that myth about celery using up more calories in the chewing than it gives you? that's a lie. Crab, however... well, I'll give it the benefit of the doubt.

The meal was financed partly by a discarded poster of Kosta Dzu which my dad found in the street and sold on Ebay. It was amusing to watch him regress to his childhood and draw things on the tablecloth in crayon. It's an ingenious idea, really - it's hard to wash Crab Goo out of tablecloths, so use cheap paper ones and throw them out. And if you're going to do that anyway, why not provide some amusement for the kiddies who aren't going to spend three hours extricating their meal from its shell? The bibs were also made of paper. It wasn't much use, in my opinion - things tend to fall on your lap, as opposed to your chest - but it was amusing.

Upon the arrival of dessert (vanilla ice-cream with ridiculously sweet strawberry topping) I pondered the fact that this was the prettiest topping. Caramel is yellow, and we all know what yellow snow means... and chocolate is brown, which could be even worse! However, then it occurred to me that strawberry topping is red, so that's like blood. Still, blood on snow is prettier than most other bodily fluids on snow.

In other news, The Sims 2 does not allow underage sex, but a man notices nothing out of the ordinary about being accosted by a strange woman in her underwear. Also, I think I've found a backstory mistake. See, I'm playing this premade three-kids-dead-husband-no-job loser (Her surname is Broke, fergahdsake). So all is well till I take a look at her memories... hmm! It seems hubbie died while she was pregnant with kiddie number two... so... where exactly did kiddie number three come from? His family history says he has the same father as all the others... Artificial insemination? Immaculate conception? I didn't know ghosts could have le bebbes... you learn somethng new every day! Also, I just gave my neighborhood a witch.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/tryx_/]

LOL!
I love it :D
I've actually been really tempted to go there at various times (read: when I'm at the bus stop down the road and it smells really enticing...) but now I know better :p

Its good to have you back online, my LJ friends list was becoming a cold and lonely place.

[maggiebloome.livejournal.com]

That's because you need more ljrandoms!

[maggiebloome.livejournal.com]

Also, crab is very very delicious. It's just hard to eat :P