bliumchik | Cooking With Captain Oblivious: Brought To You By Cleaning Products Worldwide

Hey, guys! I disappeared for a few days¹ to be depressed and stay up playing solitaire and reading bandslash and generally avoiding anything useful, but today I was cheered up by cooking, so I'm here to spread the love!

This is my family recipe (give or take) for Lazy Dumplings. These dumplings suit their name well, and thus are my favourite. They are incredibly lazy. In fact they are so lazy that they do not even deserve capital letters. lazy dumplings. So there.

How To Make lazy dumplings In Ten Easy Steps if your name is Maggie.
Handed down through the generations (well, two) (as far as I know) in a Completely Not Top Secret (or Accurate) fashion.
Warning: this recipe contains zealous use of the measurement "some." If this makes your inner Oliver Twit cringe in horror, plz avoid.

Step One. Mix up some² cottage cheese and a couple of eggs and some flour in a bowl. I generally use however much cottage cheese needs using up and mix in the flour until it reaches the right consistency. Do not ask me what the right consistency is. All will come in time, grasshopper.

Step Two. Flour up a cutting board. Also your hands. Also the surrounding benchtop, and everything you touch from now on. Remember that getting out all the utensils and stuff would've been a good idea before this. Oh well. Also lament your closed window of opportunity for putting on an apron.

Step Three. Pull out a dollop of dough and dump it onto the floured board. It will stick to your fingers. This is normal. Do not lick them, it will make it worse. Also the dough tastes shitty.

Step Four. Roll the dollop around in the flour until it a) is no longer sticky and b) is vaguely sausage-shaped. Long and thin³.

Step Five. Chop the sausage into quite small sections. Dip the sticky ends of each section in flour and squish. You will wind up with a bunch of little blobby things.

Step Six. Repeat steps three to five until you are out of dough. Midway through this process, remember that you were supposed to add salt and sugar. Shrug and add them whenever you do remember. Hopefully everybody will slather them in sour cream and thus not notice the difference.

Step Seven. Boil water, insert little blobby things, turn heat down, leave for a few minutes. Do not ask me how many, how am I supposed to know? I just taste test.

Step Eight. Use the cooking time to clean up a little. There will be flour everywhere⁴, so start with that. Also utensils and things, whatevs.

Step Nine. Pull out one dumpling with one of those ladles with holes in. If it doesn't taste raw, congratulations! you are done. Remove dumplings with said ladle.

Step Ten. Slather dumplings with sour cream. If you have miscalculated at any point, you will not have dumplings. You will instead have a sort of floury soup. Feel free to slather this with sour cream, if that is how you roll.⁵ Also make sure to eat them all so that when your parents get home, you can claim total success.

OM NOM NOM NOM.

¹It... was a few days, right? My sense of time is a little distorted.
²See? Told you.
³...for those who do not know what shape a sausage is.
⁴Really, everywhere. As in, "how the fuck did I get flour behind the microwave??" everywhere. Your tea will taste a little doughy for a few days. I hope you don't mind.
⁵That is indeed how I roll.