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Argh, fucking internet provided. Okay so apparantly we need to reflash our modem because its set to Optus and won't accept any other provider. Bitches. Weekend update is er, upcoming.

Finally, the update: Grafitti and Crabs

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This entry is brought to you by CRABSHACK. CRABSHACK has a misleading name in that it is not, in fact, a shack - no corrugated iron at all, although there was jazz music playing. However, it does serve crab. They cook it with some kind of chili powder, which was annoying but mild enough to be ignored.

Now, a warning for prospective crab-eaters. If you want to impress a potential love interest and decide to buy them dinner at a fancy place, like, for example, CRABSHACK - do not under any circumstances order the crab. You will not impress anyone during that meal. It is, in fact, physically impossible to suavely eat crab.

1. The little buggers fight back. Have you ever seen a crab, or even a picture of a crab? Have you seen those spikes? Yeah, that's where your face goes. Further sharp edges happen when you crack the shell. You can't use a knife for that, either - and whatever vengeful satisfaction can be derived from crushing their little legs between your teeth is more than balanced out by the sharp stabbity pain in your lower lip. And your gums. And your cheek. And your eyebrows.

2. Goo. That's right, crab contains goo. It also contains delicious meat, but before you get to that you will undoubtedly get goo all over your fingers, your elbows, your face, and your fancy clothes, too - if you decline to wear the politely offered bib. Crabs are very, very runny. Each patron gets a little bowl of lemon scented water (in my case with a lemon floating in it) to "wash your fingers in" - this mistakenly leads you to believe that you will only get your fingers dirty. You are wrong. It is simply that it would inconvenience the restaurant to place lemon-scented bathtubs on the table.

3. Inaccessible crannies. Yeah, God and/or evolution did a real good job of making those little morsels of soft white crustacean goodness damn hard to get to, in the hope that a predator will become too exasperated with the effort required to eat them, and never catch a crab again. Apart from the hard shell (and the spikes - have I mentioned the spikes? I think my mouth is bleeding) each crab contains no less than thirty two jointed bits, each of which has to be cracked open anew with the little nut-cracker style utensil thoughtfully provided by the friendly staff. No prawn-like joined-together-ness for Mother Natures Caltrops, oh no - the battle must be fought anew for every mouthful. Complete with extra goo!

4. Mess. All those partitions and bits of shell have to go somewhere, right? And if you want to put anything other than crab on your plate, you don't want it to become a crabby graveyard. The ever-foresighted staff will provide a small basket for you to deposit the mangled remains of your crustacean. Several small baskets, if they are required. Trust me - Johnny Depp could not look suave immediately upon placing his elbow into a basket full of smashed crab-shell and goo. No, it does not go better with lemon.

I suspect that regular consumers of crabby wonderment derive some sort of masochistic pleasure from the difficulties of eating crab. It's probably part of the CRABSHACK experience, just like the paper tablecloth and the thoughtfully provided crayons. Also, it's probably quite difficult to gain weight eating crab. You know that myth about celery using up more calories in the chewing than it gives you? that's a lie. Crab, however... well, I'll give it the benefit of the doubt.

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