Ode To A Romantic Poet On Crack Opium
Nov. 10th, 2006 10:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bliumchikSamuel Taylor Coleridge. The first thing you hear about him is always either "He read the bible when he was three" or "he was doped up on opium when he wrote all his poetry". He's been dead a few hundred years, he likes to finish words with eth, both his wives were called Sarah, and we're studying him in English.
Not everyone recognises the name, but pretty much everyone recognises "Kubla Khan" and "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner." What do you mean, you slept through English!? Well, fair enough. I wouldn't blame you. That shit is, as they say in those quaint "hoodz," whack.
Therefore! I present to you: Samuel T. Coleridge's Most Famous Poems: Recap.
Kubla Khan. This guy was pretty damn rich, so he went and built a Pleasure Dome in Xanadu (it may interest you to know that Coleridge made that place up). It's a pretty sus name for about ten square miles of gardens and forests and rivers and things, really. Oh, also apparently a deep, romantic chasm. Then you get to the following lines:
"And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced"
...oookay. Sam, you really need to get laid.
Anyway, this Kubla dude was all like "yea, and it was good," except then this, uh, exploding chasm... thing, did something crazy to the river, and he started hearing voices. No, seriously. Apparently they were ancestral voices, but how would you know? They were "prophecying war," but Sammy boy never tells us how that all turns out, so maybe good old Kubla was hearing voices telling him to GO to war.
The idea that Kubla was crazy has some merit, because the poem then goes on to switch points of view, and apparently all this stuff about the pleasure dome was being sung by a chick with some kind of string instrument, and then our old buddy Samuel T. woke up from his opium dream and forgot what happened next. That's the end. He finishes off with some waffle* about how if he could remember everything, people would think he was crazy. Way to go, mate. Lay off the drugs plzkthnx.
Onwards! The Rime Of The Ancient Mariner.
Kay so. This old crazy dude accosts a random who's on his his way to a wedding.
Wedding Guest: WTF?
Crazy Guy: So there was this ship, right...
Wedding Guest: Uh, I gotta go...
Crazy Guy: YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
Wedding Guest: *cowers*
Crazy Guy: Right. So there was this ship...
Storm: RAR I KEEL YOU.
Ship: Hokay, you wanna go south, we go south, sheesh.
Iceberg: Hay guys!
Mariner: Why hath the word "titanic" entered my head of a sudden?
Coleridge: AHAHA THE ICE WAS EVERYWHERE. EVERYWHERE I TELL YOU!!!111
Reader: Kay, uh... we get it.
Albatross: Hay guys!
Sailors: Aww, birdy.
Mariner: DIE NOW PLZKTHNX.
Albatross: WTF?!
Wedding Guest: Uh, the hell?
Coleridge: The ancient Mariner inhospitably KILLETH the pious bird of good omen!
Mariner: ...yup.
Sun: Yo dudes, how you liking the southern hemisphere? Well see ya!**
Sailors: Hey dude what the hell? That bird was bringing us wind!
Mariner: Sif!
Sun: Oh hey guys, that mist looks pretty nasty, lemme just take care of that.
Sailors: Sweet! Maybe that bird was bringing the mist. Yeah, it was an evil bird, good on ya, mate.
Wind: Kay, time for my lunch break.
Sailors: ...shit.
English Teacher: Now pay attention, girls, this is a very famous line. Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Lets spend the rest of this lesson analysing that line! Yaaay!
Coleridge: Crap, this bit needs to be creepier. Man, I'm so high. Okay, so... uh, Yea! Slimy things and... shit like that. I know! Slimy things... crawling! WITH LEGS. ON THE SEA! AHAHA I AM BRILLIANT!!111! And the water can burn in shiny colours, and... everyone was... thirsty... and, yeah kay that's enough, I've got the munchies.
Sailors: We actually are really, really thirsty. Srsly, sif we're on a boat in the ocean and there's no water. Damn poetic irony.
Mariner: Just so's you know, I feel really guilty about that whole, you know, albatross thing.
Sailors: Do we or don't we have the energy to kill you just at this moment?
Mariner: Uh... LOOK, A BOAT. *beholdeth a sign*
Sailors: Zomg! ...hang on, it's like... moving. With no wind. WTF?
Mariner: Ah, crap.
Ship: I'm all skeletal, yo. In the way that's like a skeleton as opposed to an anorexic model.
Coleridge: And is that woman all her crew? Is that a DETH? And are there Two? Is DETH that woman's mate? I do not like them, Sam I am. Mm... ham... I'm hungry again...
DETH: Fancy a game, then, milady?
LIFE-IN-DETH: Sure thing. D'n'd? I've got dice...
DETH: Oh no, I heard what happened last time you GM'd - let's just roll for this here completely random shipfull of thirsty sailors and have done with it.
LIFE-IN-DETH: Righto.*** Oh, would you look at that - I win!
Sun: Crap, I'm late. Brb! *disconnects*
Mariner: Hey, what? You promised a sunset! Where's my sunset, bitch?!
Sailors: That's the least of your problems.
Mariner: Huh? Why are you all looking at me like that?
Sailors: *death glare* *proceed to drop dead*
Mariner: WTFOMG!?
Souls Of Sailors: Wheeee! *whizz past*
Mariner: OH GOD WHY I'M SORRY LITTLE ALBATROSS.
Wedding Guest: (Hi, remember me?) Okay, uh... dude, I'm really freaked out now. Cos you're scary. And tall and tanned and skinny, and you have shiny eyes. ...that may have come out wrong. Look, please just tell me you're actually alive.
Crazy Guy: Oh, I'm NOT DEAD, alright! I WISH, hah! All my beautiful, beautiful crew... uh, that may have come out wrong... but anyway, they were all dead! DED!!!1 IT WAS JUST ME AND THE SLIIIIMY THIIINGS!
Wedding Guest: Meep.
Corpses: So, anyway. We're just gonna lie here on the deck and completely and utterly fail to rot.
Mariner: ...kay.
Corpses: And stare at you in an accusing manner. For a whole week.
Mariner: WHY ME. Oh, yes, the bird. *sniff* I think I'll name it Bambi...
Moon: Aww.
Slimy Things: Whee! Let us frolic!
Mariner: Hey... they're actually kinda pretty. I feel free! Ahaha! Now I'm gonna go sleep.
Rain: *rains*
Mariner: Whoah! Cool!
Corpses: *grooooan*
Mariner: ...
Corpses: *rise*
Mariner: AAAAH ZOMBIIES.
Wedding Guest: HOLY CRAP.
Crazy Guy: No, no, it's okay. They weren't actually zombies. It was just this random troop of angels that happened to be passing by and stopped to help me out.
Wedding Guest: Oh. ...kay.
Angel!zombies: *commence to sail ship, singing jaunty sea shanties*
Mariner: Right then. That's a nice song. Funny how we're moving really fast and there isn't any wind. Actually, I don't think we've ever moved this fast when there WAS wind. Holy shit we're going fast! *faints like a girl*
Random Spirit 1: Hey dude... who is this guy? Is he the fucker who shot that cute little albatross?
Random Spirit 2: Chillax, man... he's been punished already, and it's not over yet!
RS1: So how come the ship's going so fast? WTF is going on there?
RS2: Don't complain, we're hitching a ride on it. I reckon the moon took pity on him. Oh, woops, he's waking up. C'mon, I know this party in the next plane over where the chicks have three... *fades out*
Mariner: *yawn* Huh. Nice day today, eh?
Angel!zombies: *glare*
Mariner: Aw, crap. Hang on... is that a lighthouse? OH GOD PLEASE LET THAT BE A LIGHTHOUSE.
Angel!zombies: Kay, we're done here. Seeya.
Coleridge: Oh, man, there goes line 500. I'm running out of rhymes! Uh, rood is a word, yeah?
Reader: You've already spelled Mariner as "marinere" in order to rhyme with "Hear"... there's not much more you can do!
Pilot: I say, boy, let's check out those bizarre lights in the bay.
Pilot's Boy: Kay. Can we bring a hermit?
Hermit: *sings a jauntytune hymn*
Mariner: OH GOD REAL PEOPLE OH THANK GOD. Whoah... is that the Hermit? I can tell by the way he's all singing hymns and stuff. I suddenly feel the pressing need for him to forgive me for shooting Bambi.
Crazy Guy: This hermit lives in the woods, btw, and he likes chatting up sailors. Uh... look over there, it's a stoned poet!
Coleridge: *giggle* I know, just to stump English students of the future, I'm going to spell "country" with an ee, to rhyme with sea! ahahaha!
Pilot: WTF is with these lights, anyway?
Hermit: And that ship is worth a spooky metaphor or three, too. Oh well... carry on!
Coleridge: I'm tired. Fuck it - the ship suddenly sinketh.
Pilot: Zomg, a body!
Mariner: *cough*
Pilot: !!
Hermit: *prays*
Mariner: Land! *grabs oars and rows like crazy*
Pilot's Boy: OMGWTFBBQALPACA!!11!@21!!!1!
Mariner: OH GOD IT'S LAND. LANDLANDLANDLAND. laaaand... HOLY MAN!
Hermit: Gah!
Mariner: You have to help me, dude!
Hermit: WTF?!
Mariner: Okay, so there was this ship, right...
Crazy Guy: So, yeah... that's pretty much it. Now whenever I feel insecure I go round accosting randoms and telling them my story. Don't you feel lucky?
Wedding Guest: You know, the wedding is actually over now.
Crazy Guy: Bah. Praying and like... loving shit, and stuff. Better than weddings.
Reader: The hell?! That's the moral of the story?!
Coleridge: Look, shut up, I was trying to make a point!
Reader: You tell us that NOW?!
English Teacher: Break it down, assessment time!
The End. I warned you it was huge! IT'S HUUUGE. It has 625 lines!! And now Nicky and I are trying to figure out how to link it to Shrek and Travels With The Snow Queen (from Kelly Link's Stranger Things Happen) via Imaginative Journeys. Hurrah!
*mmm, waffles
**This took up an entire stanza, which may explain why the poem was so FUCKING HUUUGE.
***You know, I'm really tempted to do a remix of the End Of The World animation with the Ancient Mariner... it's like the llama song, only more meteors. 'And some huge iceberg is like "Well, fuck that."'
Not everyone recognises the name, but pretty much everyone recognises "Kubla Khan" and "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner." What do you mean, you slept through English!? Well, fair enough. I wouldn't blame you. That shit is, as they say in those quaint "hoodz," whack.
Therefore! I present to you: Samuel T. Coleridge's Most Famous Poems: Recap.
Kubla Khan. This guy was pretty damn rich, so he went and built a Pleasure Dome in Xanadu (it may interest you to know that Coleridge made that place up). It's a pretty sus name for about ten square miles of gardens and forests and rivers and things, really. Oh, also apparently a deep, romantic chasm. Then you get to the following lines:
"And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced"
...oookay. Sam, you really need to get laid.
Anyway, this Kubla dude was all like "yea, and it was good," except then this, uh, exploding chasm... thing, did something crazy to the river, and he started hearing voices. No, seriously. Apparently they were ancestral voices, but how would you know? They were "prophecying war," but Sammy boy never tells us how that all turns out, so maybe good old Kubla was hearing voices telling him to GO to war.
The idea that Kubla was crazy has some merit, because the poem then goes on to switch points of view, and apparently all this stuff about the pleasure dome was being sung by a chick with some kind of string instrument, and then our old buddy Samuel T. woke up from his opium dream and forgot what happened next. That's the end. He finishes off with some waffle* about how if he could remember everything, people would think he was crazy. Way to go, mate. Lay off the drugs plzkthnx.
Onwards! The Rime Of The Ancient Mariner.
Kay so. This old crazy dude accosts a random who's on his his way to a wedding.
Wedding Guest: WTF?
Crazy Guy: So there was this ship, right...
Wedding Guest: Uh, I gotta go...
Crazy Guy: YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
Wedding Guest: *cowers*
Crazy Guy: Right. So there was this ship...
Storm: RAR I KEEL YOU.
Ship: Hokay, you wanna go south, we go south, sheesh.
Iceberg: Hay guys!
Mariner: Why hath the word "titanic" entered my head of a sudden?
Coleridge: AHAHA THE ICE WAS EVERYWHERE. EVERYWHERE I TELL YOU!!!111
Reader: Kay, uh... we get it.
Albatross: Hay guys!
Sailors: Aww, birdy.
Mariner: DIE NOW PLZKTHNX.
Albatross: WTF?!
Wedding Guest: Uh, the hell?
Coleridge: The ancient Mariner inhospitably KILLETH the pious bird of good omen!
Mariner: ...yup.
Sun: Yo dudes, how you liking the southern hemisphere? Well see ya!**
Sailors: Hey dude what the hell? That bird was bringing us wind!
Mariner: Sif!
Sun: Oh hey guys, that mist looks pretty nasty, lemme just take care of that.
Sailors: Sweet! Maybe that bird was bringing the mist. Yeah, it was an evil bird, good on ya, mate.
Wind: Kay, time for my lunch break.
Sailors: ...shit.
English Teacher: Now pay attention, girls, this is a very famous line. Water, water everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Lets spend the rest of this lesson analysing that line! Yaaay!
Coleridge: Crap, this bit needs to be creepier. Man, I'm so high. Okay, so... uh, Yea! Slimy things and... shit like that. I know! Slimy things... crawling! WITH LEGS. ON THE SEA! AHAHA I AM BRILLIANT!!111! And the water can burn in shiny colours, and... everyone was... thirsty... and, yeah kay that's enough, I've got the munchies.
Sailors: We actually are really, really thirsty. Srsly, sif we're on a boat in the ocean and there's no water. Damn poetic irony.
Mariner: Just so's you know, I feel really guilty about that whole, you know, albatross thing.
Sailors: Do we or don't we have the energy to kill you just at this moment?
Mariner: Uh... LOOK, A BOAT. *beholdeth a sign*
Sailors: Zomg! ...hang on, it's like... moving. With no wind. WTF?
Mariner: Ah, crap.
Ship: I'm all skeletal, yo. In the way that's like a skeleton as opposed to an anorexic model.
Coleridge: And is that woman all her crew? Is that a DETH? And are there Two? Is DETH that woman's mate? I do not like them, Sam I am. Mm... ham... I'm hungry again...
DETH: Fancy a game, then, milady?
LIFE-IN-DETH: Sure thing. D'n'd? I've got dice...
DETH: Oh no, I heard what happened last time you GM'd - let's just roll for this here completely random shipfull of thirsty sailors and have done with it.
LIFE-IN-DETH: Righto.*** Oh, would you look at that - I win!
Sun: Crap, I'm late. Brb! *disconnects*
Mariner: Hey, what? You promised a sunset! Where's my sunset, bitch?!
Sailors: That's the least of your problems.
Mariner: Huh? Why are you all looking at me like that?
Sailors: *death glare* *proceed to drop dead*
Mariner: WTFOMG!?
Souls Of Sailors: Wheeee! *whizz past*
Mariner: OH GOD WHY I'M SORRY LITTLE ALBATROSS.
Wedding Guest: (Hi, remember me?) Okay, uh... dude, I'm really freaked out now. Cos you're scary. And tall and tanned and skinny, and you have shiny eyes. ...that may have come out wrong. Look, please just tell me you're actually alive.
Crazy Guy: Oh, I'm NOT DEAD, alright! I WISH, hah! All my beautiful, beautiful crew... uh, that may have come out wrong... but anyway, they were all dead! DED!!!1 IT WAS JUST ME AND THE SLIIIIMY THIIINGS!
Wedding Guest: Meep.
Corpses: So, anyway. We're just gonna lie here on the deck and completely and utterly fail to rot.
Mariner: ...kay.
Corpses: And stare at you in an accusing manner. For a whole week.
Mariner: WHY ME. Oh, yes, the bird. *sniff* I think I'll name it Bambi...
Moon: Aww.
Slimy Things: Whee! Let us frolic!
Mariner: Hey... they're actually kinda pretty. I feel free! Ahaha! Now I'm gonna go sleep.
Rain: *rains*
Mariner: Whoah! Cool!
Corpses: *grooooan*
Mariner: ...
Corpses: *rise*
Mariner: AAAAH ZOMBIIES.
Wedding Guest: HOLY CRAP.
Crazy Guy: No, no, it's okay. They weren't actually zombies. It was just this random troop of angels that happened to be passing by and stopped to help me out.
Wedding Guest: Oh. ...kay.
Angel!zombies: *commence to sail ship, singing jaunty sea shanties*
Mariner: Right then. That's a nice song. Funny how we're moving really fast and there isn't any wind. Actually, I don't think we've ever moved this fast when there WAS wind. Holy shit we're going fast! *faints like a girl*
Random Spirit 1: Hey dude... who is this guy? Is he the fucker who shot that cute little albatross?
Random Spirit 2: Chillax, man... he's been punished already, and it's not over yet!
RS1: So how come the ship's going so fast? WTF is going on there?
RS2: Don't complain, we're hitching a ride on it. I reckon the moon took pity on him. Oh, woops, he's waking up. C'mon, I know this party in the next plane over where the chicks have three... *fades out*
Mariner: *yawn* Huh. Nice day today, eh?
Angel!zombies: *glare*
Mariner: Aw, crap. Hang on... is that a lighthouse? OH GOD PLEASE LET THAT BE A LIGHTHOUSE.
Angel!zombies: Kay, we're done here. Seeya.
Coleridge: Oh, man, there goes line 500. I'm running out of rhymes! Uh, rood is a word, yeah?
Reader: You've already spelled Mariner as "marinere" in order to rhyme with "Hear"... there's not much more you can do!
Pilot: I say, boy, let's check out those bizarre lights in the bay.
Pilot's Boy: Kay. Can we bring a hermit?
Hermit: *sings a jaunty
Mariner: OH GOD REAL PEOPLE OH THANK GOD. Whoah... is that the Hermit? I can tell by the way he's all singing hymns and stuff. I suddenly feel the pressing need for him to forgive me for shooting Bambi.
Crazy Guy: This hermit lives in the woods, btw, and he likes chatting up sailors. Uh... look over there, it's a stoned poet!
Coleridge: *giggle* I know, just to stump English students of the future, I'm going to spell "country" with an ee, to rhyme with sea! ahahaha!
Pilot: WTF is with these lights, anyway?
Hermit: And that ship is worth a spooky metaphor or three, too. Oh well... carry on!
Coleridge: I'm tired. Fuck it - the ship suddenly sinketh.
Pilot: Zomg, a body!
Mariner: *cough*
Pilot: !!
Hermit: *prays*
Mariner: Land! *grabs oars and rows like crazy*
Pilot's Boy: OMGWTFBBQALPACA!!11!@21!!!1!
Mariner: OH GOD IT'S LAND. LANDLANDLANDLAND. laaaand... HOLY MAN!
Hermit: Gah!
Mariner: You have to help me, dude!
Hermit: WTF?!
Mariner: Okay, so there was this ship, right...
Crazy Guy: So, yeah... that's pretty much it. Now whenever I feel insecure I go round accosting randoms and telling them my story. Don't you feel lucky?
Wedding Guest: You know, the wedding is actually over now.
Crazy Guy: Bah. Praying and like... loving shit, and stuff. Better than weddings.
Reader: The hell?! That's the moral of the story?!
Coleridge: Look, shut up, I was trying to make a point!
Reader: You tell us that NOW?!
English Teacher: Break it down, assessment time!
The End. I warned you it was huge! IT'S HUUUGE. It has 625 lines!! And now Nicky and I are trying to figure out how to link it to Shrek and Travels With The Snow Queen (from Kelly Link's Stranger Things Happen) via Imaginative Journeys. Hurrah!
*mmm, waffles
**This took up an entire stanza, which may explain why the poem was so FUCKING HUUUGE.
***You know, I'm really tempted to do a remix of the End Of The World animation with the Ancient Mariner... it's like the llama song, only more meteors. 'And some huge iceberg is like "Well, fuck that."'
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-11-10 12:49 pm (UTC)*Cough, splutter*
Genius.
Ozymandias of Egypt (Digest Version)
Dood!
Your statue's,
like,
totally borked!
no subject
Date: 2006-11-11 12:06 am (UTC)(wtf is wrong with my lj cut? Does punctuation kill them or something?)
no subject
Date: 2006-11-11 12:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-11 03:54 am (UTC)Coleridge is a fucking pansy.
I would totally meta this but it might be a little too long.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-11 10:34 am (UTC)Yay Coleridge!
Date: 2006-11-11 07:09 am (UTC)Re: Yay Coleridge!
Date: 2006-11-11 10:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-19 08:59 pm (UTC)