Sometimes I wish I was male.
Nov. 22nd, 2005 04:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bliumchikFinally I feel like I'm in some kind of shape for writing. I haven't done any NaNo this week - but that's okay, I already knew it wouldn't be finished this month - I'm going to finish it anyway, then write a detailed character description for each person, and then rewrite the whole thing from scratch. This is what i get for starting a novel like I start a short story - one major idea and some side notes. I need a plot outline for something this big to stay consistent and have any kind of pace - well, now I know. I think I'll separate my topics into two entries complete with le lj-cut OF DETH, so people who don't particularly want to hear about my mental health can skip over to the next entry to read about Dan's party.
From Thursday onwards I felt really anxious, without even realising it. Anxious and indecisive. I couldn't even choose what to buy for lunch. Then on the bus home on Friday I realised what it was - fear. I'm afraid of people, and afraid of doing things that can't be undone - even, at the time, really little things that don't matter. And then on Saturday, at work, I had a panic attack. A real, honest to goodness, crying an hyperventilating excuse-me-I-have-to-go-sit-down-for-a-moment panic attack. It really freaked me out. I didn't have time to calm down, either, because we were really busy - I just got five minutes in the back room. I mean, I didn't do any of the crying or hyperventilating in front of anyone. And then I had another one at Avi's house, but i'm sure I didn't leave fingerdents on his sink. I'm not sure yet if this is an all-pervasive thing that just got exacerbated by PMS, or if PMS was the sole and only cause of it.
If it's an always thing I presumably need therapy, or something, but it doesn't seem to interfere with my life except for once a month (although if you think that sounds like I'm content with being this dysfunctional for a week out of every month then you are sorely mistaken) so we'll see. I looked up PMDD on internet, but apparantly my symptoms are too erratic for that (which is weird because it's apparantly just a really severe form of PMS, and isn't THAT erratic?) so, I guess I just don't know enough. I do coincidentally have an appointment with the POW adolescent psych clinic on friday, so maybe they'll be able to tell me something useful. (By the way, i figured out it was something to do with my period on Sunday morning, most of which I spent curled up in PAIN. In the evening I went to the theatre, which was somewhat distracting, and will be described in a later entry.
From Thursday onwards I felt really anxious, without even realising it. Anxious and indecisive. I couldn't even choose what to buy for lunch. Then on the bus home on Friday I realised what it was - fear. I'm afraid of people, and afraid of doing things that can't be undone - even, at the time, really little things that don't matter. And then on Saturday, at work, I had a panic attack. A real, honest to goodness, crying an hyperventilating excuse-me-I-have-to-go-sit-down-for-a-moment panic attack. It really freaked me out. I didn't have time to calm down, either, because we were really busy - I just got five minutes in the back room. I mean, I didn't do any of the crying or hyperventilating in front of anyone. And then I had another one at Avi's house, but i'm sure I didn't leave fingerdents on his sink. I'm not sure yet if this is an all-pervasive thing that just got exacerbated by PMS, or if PMS was the sole and only cause of it.
If it's an always thing I presumably need therapy, or something, but it doesn't seem to interfere with my life except for once a month (although if you think that sounds like I'm content with being this dysfunctional for a week out of every month then you are sorely mistaken) so we'll see. I looked up PMDD on internet, but apparantly my symptoms are too erratic for that (which is weird because it's apparantly just a really severe form of PMS, and isn't THAT erratic?) so, I guess I just don't know enough. I do coincidentally have an appointment with the POW adolescent psych clinic on friday, so maybe they'll be able to tell me something useful. (By the way, i figured out it was something to do with my period on Sunday morning, most of which I spent curled up in PAIN. In the evening I went to the theatre, which was somewhat distracting, and will be described in a later entry.
