Minus ten points, angsting at work.
Oct. 16th, 2005 08:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bliumchikApparantly my period is coming on early - I just spent most of a four hour work shift in robot mode, being gloomy about life sucks. I also had an Episode last night after watching Night Watch (which incidentally is scary awesome, by which I mean scary) with Avi. I started getting mad about the way he says I'm cute as if it's an excuse for everything I'm not (which is weird because I'm pretty sure it was the same jokey kind of thing as we always exchange). I didn't realise what the problem was till I burst into tears for no reason at all at the bus stop. But, dammit, it's not supposed to be for another week! Grr.
I hate it. I hate my endocrine system with the fire of a thousand brainsplodeys. There is SO MUCH that is so wrong about my current mental state!
1. The pessimism. I cannot go through the day unless absolutely everything happens exactly the way I want it to, because everything bad is worse and everything neutral or confusing is bad.
2. It turns me into an emo drama queen. No I'm serious. I can tell I'm having an Episode when I start thinking about the angsty livejournal post I'm going to make when I get home. I just normally realise I'm having one by the time I do, so I don't, because I know how annoying those are.
3. It takes the words away from me. I literally cannot speak, I can't say how I feel because I'll get it wrong. Maybe I'll realise what I ought to have said the next day. And I can't remember if I'm always like this, so I start thinking that I am (see point one), and why do I want to be an actress anyway if I can't even find the words for ordinary conversation, and I ought to be living in a garret (although I've only the vaguest idea what one actually is, so knowing my luck it's probably unpleasant, with spiders) writing poetry and eschewing the light of day (see point two).
4. Creative Endeavour? Over THERE. I can't write an application for an RPG character, let alone anything useful or pretty. I can barely manage poetry, and that turns out cynical at best and whiny at worst.
And the worst thing is? It's so normal. You'd think i would be happy about that, wouldn't you? Because it means I'm not alone. But the point is that that doesn't help. Because what I really want, at times like these, is for a psychiatric diagnosis which means somebody is going to fix it. I don't want this to be PMS and teenage hormones. I want it to be a problem, that can be solved.
Italics count: Nine.
Exclamation mark count: Two.
Parentheses count: Five.
Conclusion: STFU.
I hate it. I hate my endocrine system with the fire of a thousand brainsplodeys. There is SO MUCH that is so wrong about my current mental state!
1. The pessimism. I cannot go through the day unless absolutely everything happens exactly the way I want it to, because everything bad is worse and everything neutral or confusing is bad.
2. It turns me into an emo drama queen. No I'm serious. I can tell I'm having an Episode when I start thinking about the angsty livejournal post I'm going to make when I get home. I just normally realise I'm having one by the time I do, so I don't, because I know how annoying those are.
3. It takes the words away from me. I literally cannot speak, I can't say how I feel because I'll get it wrong. Maybe I'll realise what I ought to have said the next day. And I can't remember if I'm always like this, so I start thinking that I am (see point one), and why do I want to be an actress anyway if I can't even find the words for ordinary conversation, and I ought to be living in a garret (although I've only the vaguest idea what one actually is, so knowing my luck it's probably unpleasant, with spiders) writing poetry and eschewing the light of day (see point two).
4. Creative Endeavour? Over THERE. I can't write an application for an RPG character, let alone anything useful or pretty. I can barely manage poetry, and that turns out cynical at best and whiny at worst.
And the worst thing is? It's so normal. You'd think i would be happy about that, wouldn't you? Because it means I'm not alone. But the point is that that doesn't help. Because what I really want, at times like these, is for a psychiatric diagnosis which means somebody is going to fix it. I don't want this to be PMS and teenage hormones. I want it to be a problem, that can be solved.
Italics count: Nine.
Exclamation mark count: Two.
Parentheses count: Five.
Conclusion: STFU.
