THE SQUEE.

I break my procrastinatey LJsilence to announce that I am now in possession of a brand new monitor and speakers, thnxdad!

It may be difficult for you to imagine what a colossal event this really is. Firstly the monitor: nevermind that the old one weighed more than my computer and had a photo!sticker on it from when I was thirteen. Dwell instead on the fact that when I plugged in my new, slightly bigger, black flat screen, I discovered that the background of the shiny wallpaper I'd made using (with permission) some of linnpuzzles awesome Good Omens fanart, was actually a different colour from the background of the original picture. On the old monitor, I could honestly not tell. You will not believe how much this will improve my icons. No longer must I guess blindly as to whether people less technologically challenged than I can see the images or not! The shades are lifted from mine eyes! Or monitor, to be more precise.

Now, on to the speakers. Oh, those old speakers. The little white ones whose volume knob I was afraid to touch lest they descend into hissy static noises, or possibly explode. The ones that hated each others guts, and refused to work together, instead taking turns projecting my static music. They really had no redeeming qualities whatsoever, in fact, the teensy porta-speakers that I keep in a drawer for camping trips produce a better sound.

But no more! These new speakers are shiny silver and black, and, miracle of miracles, the come with a sub. I'm not entirely sure what the word "subwoofer" means except as a Cryptic Crossword Clue for "underdog", but dude - I HAVE BASS. I am now going through my playlist and exclaiming in wonderment: "Oh my! This song has drums in it! Fancy that!" and giggling like an idiot.

Actually, the giggling isn't so much giggling of glee at the lovely new speakers as giggling of hysterical amusement at the instructions that came with them. Allow me to reproduce an extract of this marvelous document:

Computer speaker
Instruction Book
........................................ ... . ....... .... .
...
Congratulation you owned Computer speakers with good quality, Please read following instruction book before use.

This alone was funny enough (In Soviet Russia, computer owns YOU.) and I suppose I had to agree - I did indeed own those old crappy speakers with better quality ones. But wait, there's more!

After a completely useless diagram and installation guide, the USAGE GUIDE abjured me to Revolve all the function knobs to original or minimum position, then turn the power button on.

All the function knobs being revolved, and the other instructions re turning off the power when the system unworking followed, I noticed an extra little section titled ATTENTION.

Apparently, I am not on any occasion to "put the product in hot, damp circumstance", possibly in order to "prevent from being soaked and walloped." I shall keep this in mind the next time I feel the urge to wallop my speakers, marinate them in vinegar or use them as a vibrator. No, the bass isn't quite THAT good.

Also, I'm supposed to "not open the back board arbitrarily for preventing from being elecrified or other accidents." Accidents of the sort involving large men in business suits looming menacingly at my doorway and shooting meaningful looks at my subwoofer and the crowbars they are incidentally carrying?

"Once fragment or liquid is sprinkled inside the cabinet accidentally, cut off the power immediately and put into use after professional examination." This sounds like a cross between Huey's Cooking Adventures and a thrush medication ad. Which is an extremely disturbing image, so of course I felt compared to share it with all of you.

Well, I sure owned that Computer speakers Instruction Book. I feel much better about my imminent examinatory Doom now.